Etiquette Q&A - Invitation Reciprocation

Dear B-Reader,

Today's posting will begin a new series of responding to reader's etiquette questions. In this series, I will not only offer my opinions, but I will lean on the vast available knowledge in the etiquette community in order to offer as helpful of a response as possible. This is advice, and as such, you, B-Reader, may take it or leave it...but in the least, I am hopeful that you will consider it.

Q: I have an etiquette / protocol question for you. Here’s the timeline:

-Several weeks ago we invited some friends over for dinner. They had plans. We didn’t follow up / forgot / got busy / whatever.

-They invited us over for dinner on Tuesday. Yay fun.

When should we invite them again? How soon is “too soon” and “too late”?

A: Dear Dinner Guest,

Yours is actually a frequent predicament that many guests of parties and gatherings find themselves in, so do not worry, you are not alone in wondering how to approach this matter.

Etiquette suggests that all invitations to private dinners and intimate gatherings (excluding weddings, charity events, and galas) must be reciprocated in some form or fashion. Now, this is not tit for tat. Rather, it is a simple return of a gesture with another gesture. In your situation, you are more than welcome to return the dinner with a comparable dinner at your place. Or, you might consider inviting the couple to a movie or dinner out.

 In other settings, if you are not up to returning a gesture in a similar fashion as it was given to you (as in attending a large party at someone's home or cooking a gourmet meal), then offering the host/hostess out for drinks is just fine (see http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2584293/good_manners_you_should_reciprocate.html?cat=41). The point of invitation reciprocation is to continue to build a relationship with the original host/hostess.

Your question does delve a bit deeper in asking when is too soon or too late to reciprocate an invitation. To be honest, B-Reader, you stumped me for a moment. Fear not, I have a vast collection of references to turn to in such times, and they guided me to a great response. Emily Post's Etiquette (17th ed., p. 253) states "Nor is it necessary to reciprocate immediately. Generally, you should try to entertain the host or hosts of an intimate, at-home gathering within a couple of months." Again, the goal is to continue the momentum of building a relationship, so in your case, if you feel that the couple would enjoy spending time with you again in as soon as two-weeks, then that would be a reasonable time, as one does not want to appear desperate.

A good guest wants to build relationships and therefore s/he reciprocates all invitations to intimate events, and does so within two-weeks to three-month’s time frame. Reciprocation may take any form and is not required to be at the same level as the original event.

Cocktail, Anyone?

Dear B-Reader,

Being the PANK that I am, I just couldn't settle for a stuffy, old-fashioned baby shower for my sister's first baby and my first niece.

Several weeks ago, while mulling over the concept of what to do for a shower, I drove past one of my favorite shops in Houston, Tootsies. In the window display of their new, swanky location in Upper Kirby, they had a glorious, hot pink cocktail dress, and I swear it was teasing me! I knew from that moment that I simply must throw a cocktail party!

"Cocktail party, cocktail party..." I tend to repeat ideas over in my head in order to make sense of them. And then it hit me...my sister had selected a woodland themed nursery crib set, and rabbits live in the woods, and Peter Cottontail is a famous rabbit and children's character, and Cottontail sounds like Cocktail. Viola! Peter Cocktail Party would be the theme of the shower!

Like any good PANK, I turned to my girlfriends and mother for their thoughts (thank goodness for facebook), and they LOVED the idea! Even those who originally questioned the idea of cocktails for a pregnant guest of honor warmed up to the idea when I described the concept of mocktails (non-alcoholic party drinks...cooler version of a Shirley Temple). Ashley, my sister-in-law and shower co-hostess, was in full support of the theme, and we began planning our shin-dig. Rather than bore you with the details, let me show you some photos of the event.

The spread. Food and cocktail ideas courtesy of Martha Stewart, of course! She has kindly put together an easy primer on throwing a cocktail party: http://www.delish.com/entertaining-ideas/parties/cocktail-parties/make-ahead-party-recipes Ashley and I divided up the hors d'oeuvres preparation amongst the two future grandmothers and three future aunts.

My dear friend and culinary artist Stacie (owner of Sugar Chic; http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sugar-Chic-sweets/145064835517887) provided the sweets: a two-tiered cake (strawberry and chocolate) covered in a gorgeous, hand-painted, marshmallow fondant. Go to their design studio's fb page for a closer view...gorgeous!

Lovely plateware and glassware, no? From the personal collections of the hostesses, the great-grandmother, and my friends Kelli and Terri. I am really blessed with people who generously contributed the finer elements of the party planning.

What cocktail party would be complete without cocktail rings, hmm, ladies? Yes, that's right, our diamonds were Ring Pops...because in my house, candy is a girl's second best friend! (Candylicious http://www.theoriginalchocolatebar.com) Bling, bling!

With men present, we had to cater to their appetites as well. What could be more manly than mashed potatoes? What could be more lady-like than martinis? We combined them both in the moderne fashion of wedding receptions and offered Mashed Potato Martinis! Thanks to a great blogger for her lovely idea of how to coordinate such a dish (http://www.mooreminutes.com/2011/01/mashed-potato-martini-bar-mashtinis.html) and other online contributors for the idea of keeping the potatoes warmed in crock pots.

Ashley and I created the cocktails and mocktails, making certain to offer some unique items. Southern Living cookbook had a fab recipe for Apple-Mint Juleps (virgin) that I just had to make in order to put to good use my over-grown mint garden (I am southern, after all). Pictured here are some of the gentle-folk guarding the cocktail station.

How could we ever hostess the shower of the year without appropriate cocktail hostess attire (satin aprons from Pam, who knows how to put on a great party) in order to channel our inner Donna Reed?

 The proud parents-to-be! She looks gorgeous in an uber-mod one-shoulder cocktail dress...and she is approaching the end of her third trimester!

 The finishing touch, a customized bottle of "It's a Girl!" pink nail polish. Each guest was able to choose her fav shade of pink (more economical and waaay cuter than OPI's version; thanks, Lori of Lori Kelly Hair Design for the great favor idea).

And, now that my party is over, I must wait for the real party to start...PANKhood!

*Photos courtesy of David Walton, original dad and future grandfather.

PANK-you, No Kids Allowed Movement!

Dear B-Reader,

My husband, Jeff, and I are what people of our parents' generation affectionately call DINK's (Dual-Income No Kids). If you've been following the goings-on of my real life, then you know that I'm a first-time, expecting auntie. With no human babies of my own (I have plenty of animal babies), I am geared up and ready to spoil the little one rotten! And, now that Jeff and I are entering a new phase of our life, there are new terms to describe us: PANK and PUNK (Professional Aunt/Uncle No Kids, term by Savvy Auntie founder Melanie Notkin http://www.savvyauntie.com).

Jeff and I love children. In fact, several of you, B-Reader, have graciously allowed us to partake in the lives of your sons and daughters in attending ballet recitals, sporting events, birthday parties, lemonade stands, etc. You have likely attended one of our Egg Hunt Parties designed especially for the kids. Although we ourselves are childless, as a PANK and a PUNK, we have a lifestyle full of the special humor and love that come with children.

However, there is a time and place for everything and everyone. The giggle of a small child is adorable when one is at a restaurant at lunchtime and the dessert tray passes by (shout out to Marissa). However, the kicking of the backside of the booth by little feet at a 9:00PM dinner is not what I ordered off of the menu. The choral-like singing of the 20th Century Fox theme song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7GE_HMZxa0) before the latest kids' film is my favorite part of my movie-going experience. But shouting in the middle of a museum collection is disturbing to both me and the statues. And that teeny, tiny, little kiss and ginormous bear hug from a child (Cooper, Lucas, Avery, Gabi) upon opening their holiday present is what I look forward to the most at that time of year. The polite "I'll have one, thank you" from heart-throb Maverick (Top Gun; Dylan) when reaching for Halloween candy is a treat! Yet, the grabbing of every item off of a shelf accompanied by what seems to be a requisite temper tantrum in the middle of the grocery aisle is not my ideal image of a child.

There is a new movement underway, the No Kids Allowed Movement http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/the-no-kids-allowed-movement-is-spreading-2516110/, which some of my readers who are parents will consider to be anti-child. Please, I am asking that you contemplate a different perspective when pondering this concept. The movement can be considered pro-child in the right setting. If you would like to know my opinion, it is this: Children have their time and place, and the time is not always and the place is not everywhere. They are welcome additions to many of life's activities and should not be banned completely from every venue; how else will they learn to grow to be adults in these situations? However, they and their parents or adult chaperones in these situations must be aware of their surroundings and act appropriately and politely.

Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.  - Emily Post

Think Stock photo