Etiquette Q&A - Invitation Reciprocation

Dear B-Reader,

Today's posting will begin a new series of responding to reader's etiquette questions. In this series, I will not only offer my opinions, but I will lean on the vast available knowledge in the etiquette community in order to offer as helpful of a response as possible. This is advice, and as such, you, B-Reader, may take it or leave it...but in the least, I am hopeful that you will consider it.

Q: I have an etiquette / protocol question for you. Here’s the timeline:

-Several weeks ago we invited some friends over for dinner. They had plans. We didn’t follow up / forgot / got busy / whatever.

-They invited us over for dinner on Tuesday. Yay fun.

When should we invite them again? How soon is “too soon” and “too late”?

A: Dear Dinner Guest,

Yours is actually a frequent predicament that many guests of parties and gatherings find themselves in, so do not worry, you are not alone in wondering how to approach this matter.

Etiquette suggests that all invitations to private dinners and intimate gatherings (excluding weddings, charity events, and galas) must be reciprocated in some form or fashion. Now, this is not tit for tat. Rather, it is a simple return of a gesture with another gesture. In your situation, you are more than welcome to return the dinner with a comparable dinner at your place. Or, you might consider inviting the couple to a movie or dinner out.

 In other settings, if you are not up to returning a gesture in a similar fashion as it was given to you (as in attending a large party at someone's home or cooking a gourmet meal), then offering the host/hostess out for drinks is just fine (see http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2584293/good_manners_you_should_reciprocate.html?cat=41). The point of invitation reciprocation is to continue to build a relationship with the original host/hostess.

Your question does delve a bit deeper in asking when is too soon or too late to reciprocate an invitation. To be honest, B-Reader, you stumped me for a moment. Fear not, I have a vast collection of references to turn to in such times, and they guided me to a great response. Emily Post's Etiquette (17th ed., p. 253) states "Nor is it necessary to reciprocate immediately. Generally, you should try to entertain the host or hosts of an intimate, at-home gathering within a couple of months." Again, the goal is to continue the momentum of building a relationship, so in your case, if you feel that the couple would enjoy spending time with you again in as soon as two-weeks, then that would be a reasonable time, as one does not want to appear desperate.

A good guest wants to build relationships and therefore s/he reciprocates all invitations to intimate events, and does so within two-weeks to three-month’s time frame. Reciprocation may take any form and is not required to be at the same level as the original event.